Tony McNulty apologises for being a slippery turd

Tony McNulty apologises for being a slippery turd!


Tony McNulty has apologised to the house today, not for doing anything wrong, because clearly he hasn’t.

Not for claiming a mortgage and expenses for a house that he didn’t live at.

Not for misleading and defrauding the British taxpayer.

Not for being a steaming pile of dog excrement

But because somebody changed the rules! God Damn them.

When asked if he thought it may be a good argument for standing down as MP he said absolutely not.

“I acted within the rules at that time and see no reason why that might compromise my ability as an MP but should be seen as commendable. “

He continued “I love Politics, I love being an MP but most of all I love lying to my constituents, and however I have apologised to the house today and expressed my sorrow at having to pay that money back”

“I shall put this behind me now and go on being the same slimey, snivelling turd I have always been”

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Wales in danger of falling into the sea, fortunately for everybody

Wales in danger of falling into the sea, fortunately for everybody.


The Department of the Environment announced the great news that Wales was at mercy of coastal erosion and an insufficient sea defense strategy.

It’s now expected that the Welsh assembly is likely turn up with its begging bowl asking for funds to secure its sea defenses.

A spokesperson for the government has said however that the only sea defense necessary is a wall stretching from Elsmere Port to the Bristol Channel.

“ The last time we had to go their they told us they wanted to govern themselves and wanted nothing further to do with us!”

They said “You come over here spending your fancy money, tromping over our countryside and eyeing up our sheep with your fancy green wellygogs on, telling us what to do.” Now it’s “Please Mr. Prime Minister, have you got any money. I’ll get Miffanwy to give you the best lamb shank you’ve ever had and I’ll sing your praises to the hilltops”

What they fail to realise is that this is the best news we’ve all had in ages and will save us the job of rounding them all up and pushing them one by one off the edge of a cliff and into the sea! Welsh hilltop holiday home anyone?

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And it's game, set and 'Meth' to Agassi

And it's game, set and 'Meth' to Agassi!

Hats off to Andre Agassi for admitting that he took 'recreational' drugs (as opposed to the really hard work ones that I got messed up with) during his tennis heyday.

I would love to find out what the percentage of population hasn’t taken drugs but I would hazard a guess its low.

Is it not now a part of growing up? A right of passage, much the same as smoking or getting drunk for the first time.

It is our demonising of it is that is ensuring that it has become a lucrative underworld business that is perceived as 'cool'. It also means that drug taking is often done in seedy surroundings using un-clean equipment.

During my formative I took drugs which led to me being diagnosed with Hepatitis C some twenty years later.

By that time I had long since stopped taking drugs and as the owner of a small pub chain, I had switched my allegiance to alcohol.

Anyone with knowledge of how hepatitis c attacks your liver will know not to drink.

So for the second time in my life (discounting cigarettes) I was forced to go 'cold turkey'

Speaking from a personal point of view, giving up alcohol was far worse than giving up drugs. Not just the physical and mental side of it but the fact that it's everywhere and socially acceptable even encouraged.

This brings me to a conundrum. Whilst drugs are seen as taboo even though most have done it, alcohol is not. But needing help to give up either are viewed as a weakness of character

Surely it's time to give up the hypocrisy and admit that we all fallible.

As for Andre Agassi, let he who is without sin take the first serve!

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Karadzic and Shaggy to re-release It Wasn't Me

Radovan Karadzic is said to have boycotted his own trial at the Hague for war crimes.

He has said this was  in order to better prepare his defense  as well as record a 12inch Monster Mix of  'It Wasn't Me', with rap star 'Shaggy'.

Karadzic has hinted that he is going to dress in 'Ali G' style clothing and use the 'mix' as part of his closing statement.

On hearing the news it is said that Tony Blair is preparing a ditty of Chers', 'If I could turn back time' after the increasing 'blood on your hands'call to answer his involvement in the case for the war in Iraq!

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Good time to tell everyone that the cheque's in the post

CWU chiefs say now is a good time to tell everyone that 'the cheques in the post, honest' as more strike action looks likely.

A Union spokesperson said today "We've advised our members to cash in their road tax discs and replace them with 'Del Boy' type notes proclaiming 'TAX IN POST' to help make up for lost pay!"

"We've had to take a realistic view that if we're waitng for Peter Mandleson to show up and sort this out then were all screwed for at least another month. Then it will almost be Christmas and if they think were going back before January 2nd, they,ve got more chance of seeing the Christmas Fairy. A bit like waiting for Mandelson realy!"

"We realise that the Royal Mail needs to be modernised, and if that means buying a brand new, state of the art, industrial sized Paper Shredder' from Staples then were all for it! Other than that, tell the management to go screw themselves and if you haven't sent your Christmas cards already, save yourself the stamp and don't bother"

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People who talk utter b*llocks becoming ever more prevalent

People who talk utter bollocks are becoming ever more prevalent, according to figures released by the national office of statics today.

"It would appear that people who talk shite now outnumber normal, plain thinking Yorkshire folk by 3 to 1, with that number rising around London and the south east." a spokesperon for the government body claimed.

The unprecedented rise has been blamed on the education system, or the government, or failing that - ITV's X-Factor.

The BBCs' Breakfast News programme, which has become Britains advisory service for how the British public should conduct themselves, be politically correct and just about f*cking anything  else we tell you to do; said on hearing the statistics, "We agree, trying to find anyone who knows what the f*ck they are talking about is becoming increasingly difficult these days"

"We used to be able to pick up the phone at silly bugger 'o'clock in the morning and find someone with a proffesorship in this or an 'ology in that to turn any news story around to prove that if you listen to us, pay attention and do exactly as we tell  you then you wont go far wrong."

"These days we have to rely on Bill Turnbull and Shaan Williams ever so condescending attitude to get our point across. - But they do do-it ever so well and Bill is ever so cuddly!"

Meanwhile GMTV chiefs said "Who gives a f*ck, we can tell you whose been trying to get Cheryl Cole up the duff, we have a constant stream of benders to tell you whats hot this season and you'd much rather shag our weather girls!"

Bob Wharton, a retired truck driver from Lincolnshire who insists on keeping drawing breath said "More Experts, just what we f*cking need!"

On this occasion, this social commentator reluctanly agrees!

Ta-Raa xxx

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Reassuringly expensive so Center Parcs

Reassuringly expensive say Center Parcs!

Following a damning report by BBC's Watchdog programme, Center Parcs have issued the following statement.

Center Parcs PLC disagrees with the findings of the BBC's Watchdog programme.

We do not believe that the price hike of a 300% during school holidays is unjustified. The decision to raise prices during these periods has been absolutely necessary to ensure quality of entry to our venues.

"What you need to remember is that Center Parcs is more than just a holiday village that offers sporting activities, but more of a place where middle-class families can congregate and showcase just how particularly better than you they actually are.

Our male clientelle, mainly city bankers and managing directors,  like to take advantage of our sports facilities, proving that they manage to take care of themselves whilst maintaining their high-pressure job.

Only at Center Parcs can a gent wear Adidas and Umbro sportswear, whilst those around him can rest easy knowing that the items were not purchased at JJB Sports, but are in fact this season's outfits sold at a reassuringly expensive price.

Our female clintelle however, prefer to unwind in a thermal bath and then get the full 'lady treatment' in the aqua sauna.This helps them to unwind after weeks of school runs, endless PTA meetings and the 'hard work, but worth it' village hall committee business.

Our prices also assure well-to-do  parents that little Tarquin and Henrietta can play in the adventure playground, safe in the knowledge that they are wearing safety helmets and not having to mix with children from that awful comprehensive School.

The family can then meet and enjoy an excellent meal in our mock French and Italian restaurants.

Mum, Dad and family can then return to the peace and quiet of our mock log cabins and enjoy a cheeky bottle of Chianti purchased from our vastly overpriced supermarket. Then, after getting the kiddies off to bed they can screw each other senseless in front of a mock real fire. Perfect!

As the old adage goes, if you have to ask the price you can't afford it! Our family visitors prefer nothing more than being able to congregate together and enjoy a cappuccino at £2.50 a pop, read the Guardian, and know that a Scouse accent is nowhere to be found.

£2500 for a peak period, family of four, weekend break with no extras, bargain!"

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Go screw yourselves say Goldman Sachs

Goldman Sachs are coming to a bank near you!

Bosses of Goldman Sachs who have recently payed themselves bonuses of $15 million announced today that they were coming to the UK to cash bonus checks.

A spokesperson for Goldman Sachs explained "We want to stand at the front of the queue and present our rather large cheques to the cashier during peak trading periods."

"We want to see the cashier's bulging eyes as they try to comprehend just how many zeros are in front of them!"

"And when they ask how we would like that, we would like to say 'in twenties, tens and fives please!"

He went on to say with a smug grin on his face "When they say that "It may take a while to do that"' as they eye the large crowd in a que behind me I'll simply turn to them and announce "Not to worry, I can wait, I have my bank statement to look over and the end of year report of Goldman Sachs trading profits."

Meanwhile President Obama and Prime Minister Gordon Brown issued a joint statement calling for an end to banks bonus culture

Goldman Sachs chief executive is said to have replied "Tell them to go screw themselves, what do they think about that? What are they going to do about it if we don't stop. I earn more than then put together. If they want me they can contact me on my yacht. Schmucks!"

The story continues ...

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Send More MP's

Send more MP's please! - The Head of Armed Forces in Afghanistan has urged the Prime Minister for more troops to help clear the country of minefields and IEDs.

The Government responded in a letter to the MOD, that while it wouldn't be prudent to send any more troops, it did seem to have an abundance of MP's from all sides of the House that would not be able to stand due to refusing to pay back expenses.

Mr Brown, in a last ditch attempt to win back support for The Labour Part at the forthcoming election, has shown remarkable insight for the first time of his premiership.

His reponse in an interview with The Times newspaper, was to "Kill two birds with one stone so to speak. Has anyone seen my tablets?"

The move is likely to strike a chord with the electorate which showed that support for Mr Brown jumped six points on the back of the announcment.

A random poll was conducted by the The Times newspaper that showed overwhelming support for the idea. The people polled also expressed that they would like to see the scheme extended to city bankers and anyone linked to the X-Factor in any way shape or form.

Mr Brown told the MOD that he would ship the first MP's out within the next month but hinted that Rupert Murdoch and his cronies were next on his 'hit list'

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Euro Tunnel Buyer Found

Gordon Brown announces 'buyer found for Euro Tunnel!'

As part of Gordon Brown's proposed sell off of Governments assets, it was announced today that a buyer may have been found.

The buyer, who has not been named as yet, is said to be an entreprenur who accumulated his wealth in the travel industry and specialises in budget cross border logistics. He sees the accuisition of Euro Tunnel as complimentry to his current businesses and has had interests with the Dover/Calais crossing for some time.

Government officials are said to be in talks with the buyers company lawyers at his head office which believed to be based near Sangatte in France.

A government spokesperson has said that more details will be released once terms have been agreed.

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Nobel Peace Prize

Unbelievable!

I hear Barack Obama has just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, how did that happen?

Don't get me wrong, I like him as much as the next guy but what exactly has he done, other than talk about peace!

Which, lets face it, was always gonna be one up on George 'Dubbya' Bush. He would never have let Peace break out. Still, it's gotta be said, at least you knew where ya stood with 'dubbya'. He was a REAL dumb ass yank so you could rely on him to make dumb ass decisions. Then when they would go horribly wrong, as they inevitably would, he would round 'em all up, put 'em in a field, and bomb the b*astards.

But Barack is a different kettle of fish. Refreshing, yes, and possibly his stance on foreign policy and nuclear disarmourment could bring about a change. But what has he actually done so far, other than talk about it.

All talk and no action could apply to any of our political leaders, although I would liken Gordon Brown more to George Dubbya rather than Barack, but without the bombs thank god!

Now Tony Blair would be much more of a worthy candidate. I hope your not laughing at the idea!

Think about it, whenever their is a 'skirmish' between two countries and let's take the Israel / Palestinian conflict as an example.

The world sat back as these two tussled in the sand for a bit. When Israel, 'the school bully' got the upper hand over the 'smelly kid that no one liked and had nits', or Palestinians to you and me. It was decreed that we'd all seen enough and we should really stop these two fighting.

At the mere thought that Tony Blair might be sent as 'peace envoy', the two stopped fighting and shook hands.

"Nope, no problem here" declared Israel.
"I love him like like my brother, this is what brothers do, honestly. I think he was only child so maybe he no understand" pleaded the Palestinians.
"That's right, tell him not to worry, were getting along like a Palestinian house on fire, he's no need to come!" confirmed a Jewish spokesperson

Now if that doesn't warrant a Nobel Prize, what does?

Still, in honesty, I believe the Nobel Prize should actually go to the American people for putting Barack in the White House, showing hope, courage and a need for change. They wanted to believe as we did with Tony, and are probably about to do with David.

The problem is we all keep believing and eventually our Baracks, Tonys and Davids keep turning into George Dubbyas' and Gordons'!

So what do we know....

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Just me carpin on again Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Diary Post

Never mind me 'carping' on about being mildly ill, we all know that it's just a bit of snuffle.

Some Vick's' Sinex and mi Mams' foot up mi backside will get me off to work - why does she keep confusing me with mi brother, Malcolm?

We all know that during the war they used to have real diseases like ring worm and diphtheria and Germans bombing their chippy.

Lets get back to real issues like;

Will David Cameron give Peter Mandleson a yacht flying the 'Jolly Roger' (quite apt) with "British people will pay a lot of money for my safe return, honest" and dispatch him as overseas ambassador to Somalia...

Can we win the 'hearts and minds' of the Afghan and Iraqi people by strapping Tony Blair to a Weapon of Mass Destruction (not Cherie) and hit 'LAUNCH'!

Will we ever realise that the only marbles Gordon Brown has left is his glass eye!

How long before we understand that Mr Taliban just wants us to leave him the F*UCK alone!

And finally and most importantly, do the Sugarbabes love it in the coal shed?

Anyhow, get signed up to follow my blog thingy at: www.ianquill.blogspot.com

It ant bin going long but can be mildly interesting if ya've f*ck all better to do with ya sen other than sit their stroking ya cat!

Ya probably too busy skydiving, bungee jumping an hunting great whites an stuff, or being 'totally radical dude', for that kind of thing.

Anyway am just watchin the news and they're talking about whether there's water on the moon - WHO GIVES A CRAP!
Is there a McDonalds? NO
Spec Savers, NO!
Can you get broadband and network coverage.
Can u F*CK as like so who gives a shit, There's people dying of starvation all round the world for christs sake!

Right, I'm off to stick some pins in my eyes, I'd like to say it's been nice but I can't, Ive just stapled mi gob shut!

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'I think, therefore I am' - Norman Stanley Fletcher. Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Diary Post

Bonsoir Chegs,

Your right, beetroot is mildly tolerable with a nice piece of cheese, and only if it's grown in our Mam & Dads garden! Dandelion tends to repeat on ya a bit and Milkthistle gets stuck in teeth, it also gives goats terrible flatulence. A've tried 'em all and I'm still alive but it's no thanks to them - maybe I should try wholegrain or a nice crusty baguette next time instead of that insipid white stuff we have to suffer here! That reminds me I must give Wigan a RING - do you remember the time you saw his dilate, jesus that was funny.

It's definatley a good day/bad day thing with intermitant crappiness and doctors and nurses who've watched too much ER ramming things inta ya. All this goes to make melange of - HOLY CR*P, do we have to listen to this sh*t!

Anyway, your point on the stoics, I've never laid easy with that Zeno chap but been more of a Socrates man myself. Accept destiny, yes, embrace it, yes; but the great man teaches us that everything happens for a reason and if we can understand this then we can only learn. Ahh, I'm glad we sorted that one out. As René Descartes once said, 'Cogito ergo sum' ("Je pense donc je suis") or Fletcher, Norman Stanley, 'Don't let the b*stards grind ya down'.

Right, I'm just gonna pop miself off to the clinic to get miseelf better. Do feel free to come over for nice cup of earl grey anytime, the key's under the matt if I arn't back, could you let the cat out and put the kettle on, their might even be some chocolate hob knobs in the cupboard - ta ra, runty xxxx

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Ali's reply Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Diary Post

Bonjour Monsieur Quill.

May I just say that your honesty and stoicism is astounding! You always were strong, thats why people are drawn to you (that and your suave sophistication and devlish handsomeness).

I cant imagine how much this must have turned your world upside down, just can't believe that furtive little virus has been lurking around whilst youve been a right good lad settling down and making a good life.

Do you feel awful, or is it good days and bad days? I so wish I could help, will just have to try and send you strength through 't' t interweb.

Obviously you've looked into the available drugs, but could there be a new one being tested out there? Beetroot, Milkthistle and Dandelion all help, (but wouldnt recommend them in a sandwich!).

I know that it was the hardest letter you ever had to write, indeed it was the hardest I ever read, but you'll be grand, lad.

Take good care of yourself and hurry up and get better and a might even come and see you xxxxxx Love to you all

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Letter to Ali Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Diar Post

I thought I'd share this letter that I sent to an old freind of mine who lives abroad, I suppose it says all reallyand reads:

Hi kegs,

You should meet my kids sometime, Em is just the prettiest little girl you ever seen and so sensative and gentle and perceptive - she says shes goona be a star and I actually believe her! Matthew is a propper bloke, real rufty tuffty and BIG, he dwarfs Em and is nearly 2 years younger. Real good looker too, GOD knows wher he gets it from!!!

Bout the Hep C, what can I say? Who'd have thought my past from York would come back to haunt me now, 20 years or so have passed and BANG! I got diagnosed after I just collapsed and started leaking blood, lots of it. Scared the shit out of us! It's a virus that lives in your blood and liver - It seems as though it was dorment all this time and then went on rampage! In some cases they treat it with Ribavarin & Interferon but I'm apparently too far gone for that so it looks like I'm gonna need a liver transplant.

Crackers, in-it eh, don't know what more I can tell ya really, Mandy's fine but now she really HAS got a frown on!!! Hope you are all well in Chammyknickers, say hi to Sven, his kids look great. I miss you and your weird slant on life, you know more than most about living on unsteady ground. Speak soon - runty xxx

This was probably one of the hardest letters I had to write...

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Breaking the news Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Diary Post

Yes, I've got Hepatitis C!

I'm still amazed at how many people still don't know that I've got Hep C.

I shouldn't be because I realise that your not mind readers!

It's just because it's been such a big part of my life for so long that that I assume everybody knows about it. Plus, you tend to forget who you've told and who you've tried to keep it from. I never intended to be secretive about it but you come to realise that having that conversation with some people is often awkward to bring up and most of the time their is nothing they can do about it anyway and that's even if they have any understanding of what Hep C is.

Quite often you realise that by telling people it can cause fear or it may have implications as I found out to my detriment with my last job.

However, all too often it's just not something that pops up in conversation and once you have 'said it' your mind starts racing as you wonder if you've done the right thing or would it have been better to keep your gob shut.

I suppose that's why I've started this blog so I can chronicle my progress for anyone who knows me or those that might find themselves in a similar situation.

Progress is what I intend to make and I'm certainly nobodies victim.
Who knows, my diagnosis could be the best thing that ever happened to me because without Hep C, I would surely have brought about my own demise.
take care all and I'll write soon!

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It's my birthday today! Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog-Post

Dear Diary

Hi All,
Just a quick note cos it's my birthday today.
Yes, 4th October 1965 was a great day for the world - HONEST!
Well, apart from knowing that I'm another year older, it feels much the same as yesterday. And actually, I'm feeling quite good. I even seem to have a little colour in my cheeks instead of my usual yellow-ey Homer Simpson colour.
The kids had me up first thing as expected and I've got my sister coming over later so I'm looking forward to a good day.
So I'm not going to harp on but go and enjoy myself and catch up with writing later.
Thanks to all who sent birthday wishes
xxx

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